so its been a while..

i was afraid to post for a while, putting my woes out there for everyone to read. but i think i can do it now..
july was just a month before i lost my lover and my friend. its a tragedy really, im still trying to get over it. 'it' isn't just the guy, it's the lost faith i had in him and other men. i lost faith in myself along with it. i was one of those people that had faith in myself and faith for others. this is truly effected me more ways than one. i wish i could get over it already.. it has been 4 months!

kenji says that i need to stop punishing myself, that i am more trouble to myself than i am to anyone else. he taught me that its not supposed to be easy, if it is, it's not worth having. maybe i refuse to be happy again, that i keep pulling myself back in that unhappy state becuz i feel a sense of failure to myself and what we had. even though i know there is no looking back, no fixing it or getting back together.