stay strong, nels!

nelson is in the hospital with pancreatitis this new years.
it's acute (it happened suddenly) for him. he's super scared and in a lot of pain, unable to smoke a cigarette and eat real solid foods.
it's a serious condition and he needs all the prayers he can get..

your heart is yours to use,
but it's not yours to choose.
love would an easier game,
if our hearts were ours to tame.

you can't help who you dig.. if i could pick & choose..
you'd still be around for me to kick it with...

a book

is what i will write, get ready 2009..

dying over here..

with anticipation.. why won't you tell me what's going on?

yerp.

another christmas

its another christmas.. good god.. do they sneak up on me each and every year. but this year seems as though it just zoomed on by considerably faster.. why i'm not certain..

i'm so appreciative of what i have in my life, sometimes i need to just stand still and breathe it in and reflect on how rewarding this year has been for me. all the positive people that have made it in my life and some people that have found their way back to me. one person in particular. her name is heather, we were roommates my sophomore year. she was an unexpected surprise, so closely to my birthday did she pop back into my life. i couldn't have asked for anything more than that.. i didn't want for anything this year until i realized in fact, she was missing.

i'm blessed for sure.. she made it back to me and i'm grateful. who knows how long she will stick around.. but who cares.. hopefully forever. her friendship meant a great deal and still does, but after excepting her disappearance, years ago.. it never accured to me that she would one day knock on my door. i'm thankful that she has.

life happens and a long the way you meet or reconnect with people unexpectedly.
i am grateful i found interest in a boy, that she was also into.. and in turn i met andrea.
i am grateful i had met andrea, and in turn met connie.
i am grateful that i dated matt, and in turn met many amazing people, to name a few: nikki, stephanie, maggie, chewy, lauren.. and others in between.
i am grateful that connie and i visited andrea in brooklyn, and in turn i met kerrigan.
i am grateful that i visited san diego to see davers and his baby boy, trey, and in turn met lee.
i am grateful for working with camille and for the opportunity to be closer than ever and find a true friend in her!
i am grateful for working with erin also, that our friendship just grew over time and it's awesome! eeeeeeeee!

i am grateful for a many things this year.
and i want for nothing.. i am rich in friends.

ventures in the snowy city

so me and andrea had a late start today, made coffee and ramen!

trekky from wayyyyy back!

god, i cant wait for this movie to come out! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

going green

going green is the way to go.. im thinking of putting together a green design company in the very near future.. any takers?

the life i lead

this weekend was a reflection of how fulfilling my life has become.
i somehow seek more but all along everything is right here within my reach.
i think you need weekends like these to remind you how rich you really are in life.

i went to my auntie deng deng's funeral on saturday morning, i also visited my lola and uncle les's grave. it just reminded me of how precious life really is. i wonder why we are all given such a gift of life, yet we find so many things to complain so much about and surround ourselves with negative influences. flush out those who are not contributing positive energy to your life and fill your life with amazing people.. if you can find them all, cuz i feel like i got them all.


meanwhile, im back in richmond and hunger so i figure i could make some ramen, maybe drop in egg in there.. we will see where the moment takes me.

simple as pie

so i made a pie from scratch.. well everything but the crust, but come on.
i feel like i accomplished something of a masterpiece!
to me this chocolate pecan pie is the best pie ever of all pies in the world wide world!

if you havent tried already, take my word for it..

right now it sits upon my desk tainting me so.. i brought it for my work christmas potluck and it would be super yummy with my coffee this morning.. but i will be patient. its not cute to come to a potluck with a pie half eaten.

plus one

why is it that we need a series of things in our lives, and when one out of that series is missing, you let it effect the rest of the things you do already have.. rather than appreciating what it is that you do have?

and i see you
you think no one understands you
well i do, everyday i wait
for you to see me too.

and here i am
waiting for the chance to be yours
i want it to be my turn
to be in your heart.

and it's okay
to keep me waiting here for you
i will wait forever if that's
what you want me to do.

and so i wait...

forever my friend

forever my friend - ray lamontagne
this is such a beautiful song...

my co-worker anita tells me that i'm in a romantic mood, as she waves her hand in front of my face, she says "come back to this world."

anita is in an arranged marriage, she has only lived in america for a short time. she asks me about how to be romantic, things perhaps her and her husband can do together.. i suggested things like skiing, ice skating, dinner & a movie, a day trip somewhere, camping, etc. there is so much to do as a couple, i miss that couple feeling.. a lot. the companionship of having someone to make plans with.

i guess im just a hopeless romantic, that hopes that i find my friend, my love, my man, and that it will last a lifetime.. sigh.

twenty-five

its my twenty-fifth year on this earth!



i am thankful to all those that have been there for me that love me dearly.. i love you right back! each and everyone of you...



my 25th birthday was one that i won't easily forget...
i was surrounded by some amazing people, family and friends!
my friend, lee came from san diego for school at the naval base in norfolk. he scooped bryan and i from richmond then to centreville to spend the thanksgiving holiday with the family. there were loads of food, laughs, and beer.. then my birthday rolled around, on blessed black friday.. lee and i boldly met up with the acuesta's to suffer through the god forsaken mall. i found my birthday dress at forever 21, it took forever to get the hell outta there, maybe thats why they have forever in then name... could be.
i can still shop there, i give myself until i hit thirty, or until i look thirty..

anywho.. headed to cafe martini to meet up with some local friends then made our sweet time to 1223 in dc.
little did i know that april had reserved a table for us all.. it was such a lovely surprise.. we all got in for free with champagne and cupcakes! i am one lucky girl! :] friends from all walks of my exsistence showed and it was so very lovely! thank you all for making my day so wonderful! xoxoxoxoxo!

more pictures

10 things i like about you..

your gentle eyes

the way you laugh long and loud

that your bottom teeth are crooked

you dance at random times

that you dont like to wear socks outside of your shoes

the way you smile with your eyes

you sing made up songs

the way your face lights up right before a smile

that you're covered in tattoos

your fuzzy arms

that you paint figures at work

oh.. wait that's 11.. whatevs.

round and round we go..

omg!


so.. you would think, "pay day" being a day of celebratory dance!
in fact, it's more of a day of handing large corporations your hard earned money. these conglomerates suck you dry of money, each bill has a service fee, an account number, an automated service that you have to hassle with.. an exhausting effort to get a straight answer, then the incompetent people you have to speak with.. granted they are hard working people too but come on! the trick is, these companies use these people to do their dirty work (the run around).. "oh, you have to speak to communications, here's their number." or "you have to wait 7 to 10 business days for this.." or "as a customer courtesy to you we will refund you this amount.."

time and time again, i run into the same issues..

my co-workers can testify that they hear me month after month after month with the same people, verizon, verizon wireless (oh there's a difference!), bank of america!
and im tired.. tired of being shafted with my own money.

between us

there's something there wedged in between us that wasn't there before..
i want to make it better.

talk to me.

hope

hope n 1. a feeling that what is wanted will happen. 2. a person or thing on which one may base some hope

carebear costume

so, i have decided to be the carebear cousin, brightheart raccoon!

i redesigned the belly, im going to print it on fabric and then sew the belly onto an oversized sweatshirt. then cut out the mask and just paint that.. any suggestions would be cool.

the huge obstacle is the sweatshirt being $45! thanks american apparel, thanks a lot!

here's a quick mockup of what it should look like, i will be wearing my purple tights instead.

spontaneity

i drove out to harrisonburg with my best friend to see our friend play in the jazz band, snarky puppy! i hadnt seen mike league since we graduated from high school 6 years ago. reunions are sweet! :]

the best thing i ever done for myself is to get up and go, not even thinking.. just going. and i had the time of my life!

granted, i'm on 1 hour of sleep, my body aches from dancing and from attempting to sleep in the car and a bit hungover still and sitting at work, i had a blast! i wouldnt have done anything differently.

...and god knows i needed this!

not cutout for this..

i could do me, i could do that for days..
but now it seems i've lost a grip on myself.
just for love.

my fear of jumping in has come back.. but im already in.

.. and rightfully so.

even though i did everything right, it wasnt enough.
when i thought i could expose my under belly, i was wrong....AGAIN..

silly me.

i absolutely love...

matt!

the end of an era!

so today was my last day at the ocho!

i made a good career discussion for myself, thats for sure. its just hard sometimes when you have made a home somewhere and made friends & family there. i almost felt as if 3 weeks was two long, i much rather ripped it off like a band-aid.

it was only a year and 4 months but it felt like so long. i have learned so much and accomplished so much in such a short amount of time there. i most certainly am sad that things didnt work out as i expected them originally but im excited for my new opportunities at vcu! i can go get my masters for free for example.. wric couldnt have offered me a free education.

bummer: fsa (flexible spending account)
i have well over $400 left over, i have until the end of today to claim it, that means i have to spend that amount and then fax over a claim form to them otherwise that money is all theirs.. does anyone have that kind of money to spend on over the counter medications, perscriptions, etc. all today? if so, let me know.. cuz i dont.

ps. never doing fsa ever again, i want that money in my pocket.. where it should be, thank you very much! pppshhh..

so im at home now, after my last day with my purse filled with crap off my desk and brownies and flowers by my side that i got from camille. im tempted to put on pj's and lay in bed watching a movie and napping. then another part of me wants to drink a beer and celebrate.

steer clear

steer clear of heartache

is that a possible task to undertake?
if so, i want that map.





in hopes to avoid future heartache, that is...

i have been cutting out the poison in my life, learning to separate myself from those who dont contribute anything but heartache in my life. and keep those who have positive energy and that genuinely care for me around. it sounds like an easy task, but its not. we all want to give people chances to redeem themselves in hopes they prove us wrong. but time and time again, i kick myself for giving her far too many opportunities to hurt me.

drea's going away..

it was hard to see her go...its like ripping off a band-aid, gotta do it quickly.i only knew andrea for a month, but i feel like i have known her so much longer.she's an amazing woman, and i know we will be friends forever! she's the best person i know!


bff's all the way around.


scrabble bff's!!
H4 + A1 = <3

:'[

i live for..

what you want from me.. i can never give.

lyrics that ring very true to me.

i dont practice anymore, but i went to a christian sermon this past sunday with my mom. and for the first time, i have come to a realization. that doesn't happen very often, especially in organized religion (at least for me), that i can come away from it with a real message that rings true to me..

at any rate.. they were basically talking to us (women) about how we are cursed since adam & eve with the desire to be loved by our husbands/boyfriends and to be approved by them. but as soon as we are securely fasten - what have you.. you want them to return the same desire of approval to you. and therefore, expect so much in return.

perhaps, the love i crave can not be satisfied with a person at all, but in numbers of people that contribute positively to my life.

why am i waiting for something spectacular to happen to me? but what i tend to forget it, life is happening right now! and believe it or not, things spectacular happen everyday.. that i dumb down becuz i want something like love to sweep me off my feet.. or some shit like that. and in all honesty, i know the world we live in, it wont happen. and even if it does, it wont last like i'd want it to.

making up for lost time

ooo.. richmond summers. how i love you.
i have spent too many years, just staying in. now its my turn to go out and enjoy myself. my lack of money makes it hard.

i just met drea this summer and it breaks my heart becuz she's leaving. everyone is moving on and out. how long will i be in richmond? after i got back from california a month back, i realized how much i am not done with richmond. i gave myself a year to get myself to san francisco..

..but nothing is certain.

nothing ever is.

to friend or not to friend

do you ever wonder why you are friends with certain people?

time and time again you are let down by them but you keep coming back for more...
is it the longevity of the relationship or the love that's just not going to go away no matter how burned you get..?

it baffles me, how thick my skin has become over the years.

*sigh* oh wells.. they know where to find me when they need me.

house of cards

best music video i have seen in a while..





...i know what i wanna do when i grow up.

true life

ok ok.. horoscopes can be so lame sometimes, and no i dont check mine everyday or anything but this one is 'true life.' it is all about the perspective you have on things. im a pretty optimistic person, so i always seem to be able to hold my head above water. and i tend to forget, i dont need anyone else but me and the big guy to get me where i need to go.

welcome to singledom!

where games are played.
where saving "face" is everything.
where playing it "cool" is important.

i hate having to play it "cool"... why can't i just be up front and honest like i am..?
but that's not what it's all about, apparently there is more to this game than i realized..
i have much to learn i see..

my approach on people in general, has changed. i have learned over the past 24 years that people will come just as fast as they will go. i have learned to not be too excited about new relationships and friendships but to be cautious and to let people prove their loyalties to me. i hate disappointments, not that you can avoid them -- which makes it even more frustrating.

based off these conclusions, have i become a bitter individual?

nothings gonna stop us now

this movie is pretty effin' awesome!
why cant we make movies like this anymore?

taker swagger

the price of summers in richmond..

strong coffee: $2

a tattoo: $100

scallops from can can: $20

picking a black eyed susan from the neighbor: priceless



me & lee's song.
--
i've been doing my own thing, love has always had a way of bad timing...
im just waiting on all the right signs.. i wanna know if ur worth all my time.. otherwise i will continually do my thing and continually do it well.

uncertainties

are what makes life so interesting.
we all tend to try to stay in control of our own destiny, instead we need to embrace those uncertainties rather than fighting them off.

i hate not know whats going to happen.
i used to think, "how exciting.. not knowing what's next.." but sometimes i wish i could get a sneak peak.

so far so good with the new place.. i moved in last weekend, but finally getting things where they need to be.. and making it home pretty quickly! the new place evokes a happier environment, rather than a closed off one.

new ink scheduled to get tomorrow at 12:30 at salvation with ms. katie.
i have been postponing this tattoo for so long, i just need to get er done.

the to-do list

1. take a road trip
2. get an acoustic guitar
3. learn to play it
4. create like my life depended on it
5. love my own work
6. work for myself
7. be someone else's inspiration
8. fall in love
9. be loved back
10. trust in someone
11. let someone trust in me
12. ride bikes all day long
13. shuffle my 'hef_pod' completely
14. go to times square for new years
15. visit hawaii
16. move out of virginia
17. skydive
18. fly a plane
19. write a song
20. take singing lessons
21. write poetry
22. recite poetry
23. make someone proud
24. make myself proud
25. appreciate myself
26. be appreciated
27. make money
28. buy what i want, when i want it
29. no longer complain about my lack of money
30. buy everyone drinks
31. act in a featured film
32. perform in a play
33. live in london
34. learn a foreign language
35. have my fortune told
36 drive and never stop
37. invent something
38. make a difference
39. learn to dance
40. dance well
41. perform a dance
42. be myself utterly and completely with someone
43. worthy of it
44. own my own restaurant and bar
45. bartend
46. learn to really swim
47. surf
48. waterski
49. save a life
50. let someone save me
51. go skinny dipping
52. make a time capsule
53. eat at all the good restaurants in richmond
54. learn to cook more
55. eat out a lot less
56. make videos
57. post 'em
58. take pictures
59. develop them
60. mc battle
61. get lost on purpose
62. learn to sew
63. make my own clothes
64. make my own bags

...more to come.

david's note

i came across this note i recieved months ago when i was visiting my oma & opa (grandma and grandpa) in south carolina. carmen, their friend came by the house to return a dish and chatted us up and met me. she went home and ranted about me and in turn her son wrote me this and taped it with scotch tape on the front door of my oma & opa's door.

after reading the note, my oma looked at me and said "oh, heather! you don't want him... he's fat!" as she guessured with her hands over her tummy exaggerating a globe like stomach. that made my day, no i think my year!

i showed my brother this note, and he said "how old is he, 10?" without having prior knowledge of the situation, but just based off of the classy stationary and handwritting.. you had to be there i guess..

making a move

so i have made myself a deadline, by august 2009 to move to san francisco!

i got to get my shit together, find a job, a place to live, all that good stuff..

i love richmond but this city isnt flourishing, and its not easy to find what you want as far as careers go.

maybe one day richmond will get it together, but im not waiting until it does.

california will be waiting there for me, hopefully things will work as i hope they will for me.. one step at a time.

where is he?

love is a such a vendetta!

we make it so hard for each other to love one another..
person A fucks up with person B and breaks B's heart.
so when B feels finally up to dating again, person C comes in but B has trust issues.. who knows if B will ever be able to let anyone in after A screwed it over for the rest of them..

see.. what a cycle.. how come we cant break that? it's because, then how are we to learn from our experiences? if we open up, who's to know if we won't get fucked over by someone else?

i'm tired..

creep 101

is this guy for real??
i couldnt help but make an example of him..

he approached me from a professional level, then added me on myspace and just so happened to be co-workers with my friend. he also warned me that he has a good sense of humor but some people may be offended by his site. he had a half naked girl on his background and a picture of a girl with tape over her mouth, saying "shutting bitches up since.."

at any rate.. i had to make an example of his creepy ass..
that is all..





this guy just doesn't quit.. at this point he is blocked from myspace and i spammed his emails..

fellas, dont be this guy!

the clock on my wall

the clock on my wall is now telling the wrong time.
i watched it pretty closely and it seems to tick backwards and then forward from time to time. i'm sure it's due for fresh batteries but symbolically it means something else.

it speaks to me as if i should move on and stop trying to fill that gap, the commitment gap. i guess just like Anson's first day at school, i have been skimming throughout my whole life to find that perfect match. instead, i find someone and try to make them fit. rather than shopping around for what really fits. and if their taken, don't even bother looking especially if they have committed to someone else.

there is no rush on finding him - at this point what time it is is not relevant. especially now at this point in my life. now's the time to take a breather from relationships.

so today, i'm changing the batteries in my clock and mine too.

him and i

im looking forward to the weather warming up, so jake and i can spend more time outdoors together.
i enjoy my time in richmond more with him outside.. its a great combo!
i have noticed that him and i have developed a new relationship, i dont know if it's because his time with me and no one else as increased or maybe the small amount of time i am here at the apt with him during the work weeks.. but i have noticed his neediness for me.

we had a slight tornado watch and the wind was super strong, the rain was coming in sideways on the window and jake whines, nuzzles up next to me, laying his neck across mine like a deer.. what a baby!

the adventures of heather and jake continue...

find and grab hold..

i need to find my confidence and never let go.. i have a hard time grasping that concept.. perhaps it was the humble nature of how i was raised. but damn it i need to get out of that and learn to evoke that confident nature that i know is hiding under that humbleness. it's not even an issue for my profession, it's an issue for me as an individual person. i let people intimidate me and let me down, without a word of resistance.. perhaps i prefer to be none confrontational.. i rationalize that behavior of brushing it under the rug because life is too short to start confrontation...

but who am i kidding... life is a huge confrontation!

what's in a blog?

not everyone is into the whole blog thing.. writing everyday thoughts and letting others spill on what you had to say.. it's beneficial i think for some. it depends on who reads it, i think we tend to judge each other too quickly based off of entries. i have for the most part pick and choose what i want out there.. and what i dont.

i look back on things i spilled on, and im not always confident on everyone in my life to read that..

especially what's happened to me and the past months in recovery... even as pathetic as i think or i know i might have seemed, i think that i needed to go through that and write that in order for me to recover.

the corners of my heart

i just watched 'because i said so' its a movie with mandy moore and diane keaton.
the movie was okay, diane keaton hates seeing her daughter go from one heartbreak to the next..
and finally she intervenes with her love life to help her find 'the one' and with all the right intentions, things turn out to be just the opposite of what she thought was best for her daughter.

i wish that were so for me, my parents thought and knew mark was not right for me, and they were right.. i suppose a huge part of me wanted to prove them all very wrong. i know its only been 5 months since i've been single.. but damn it.. where is he? i want to find him already!

maybe the timing is just all wrong.. and he will come when the time is right.
but here is a list of things i need from him:
- he needs to understand me, needs to get me
- sensitive to my needs
- laughs at himself
- not afraid to admit he's wrong
- won't let me get away with anything
- laughs at my jokes, even when they're lame
- be passionate about something, either what they do for a living or if it's just how they live
- be spontaneous sometimes
- loves all kinds of music, will listen to all of my music and tolerate it
- watch girlie movies with me without complaining too much
- appreciate me and things i want to do for him
- considerate of my feelings and others
- trustworthy
- humble
- not engulfed in the material things
- love me for who i am, not for what they want me to be
- discusses things with me
- talk with me about things for hours into the night

love is just a battle, isnt it?
it's ruthless.. no one wants to be alone in this world.
but we are all looking for something fabulous, what if this is as good as it gets?
what if im too blind to recognize it when he comes my way, and true happiness just passes me by?

but until then, i will breathe in and out and wait around til the day he walks into my life..

hello 2008!

new years are always viewed as fresh starts.. new beginnings, new endings, new everything..
what a relief to have to reason to start a new!

i have so many things i want to accomplish for myself, i need to get started, there are only 12 more months to go! :) somethings: learn and get an acoustic guitar, write my own song, yoga every week, running everyday, finish reading a book, learn how to cook more things, do something new, travel, save money!!!

i want for once to do what i want to do and not let anyone or anything get in my way!