what's in a blog?

not everyone is into the whole blog thing.. writing everyday thoughts and letting others spill on what you had to say.. it's beneficial i think for some. it depends on who reads it, i think we tend to judge each other too quickly based off of entries. i have for the most part pick and choose what i want out there.. and what i dont.

i look back on things i spilled on, and im not always confident on everyone in my life to read that..

especially what's happened to me and the past months in recovery... even as pathetic as i think or i know i might have seemed, i think that i needed to go through that and write that in order for me to recover.

the corners of my heart

i just watched 'because i said so' its a movie with mandy moore and diane keaton.
the movie was okay, diane keaton hates seeing her daughter go from one heartbreak to the next..
and finally she intervenes with her love life to help her find 'the one' and with all the right intentions, things turn out to be just the opposite of what she thought was best for her daughter.

i wish that were so for me, my parents thought and knew mark was not right for me, and they were right.. i suppose a huge part of me wanted to prove them all very wrong. i know its only been 5 months since i've been single.. but damn it.. where is he? i want to find him already!

maybe the timing is just all wrong.. and he will come when the time is right.
but here is a list of things i need from him:
- he needs to understand me, needs to get me
- sensitive to my needs
- laughs at himself
- not afraid to admit he's wrong
- won't let me get away with anything
- laughs at my jokes, even when they're lame
- be passionate about something, either what they do for a living or if it's just how they live
- be spontaneous sometimes
- loves all kinds of music, will listen to all of my music and tolerate it
- watch girlie movies with me without complaining too much
- appreciate me and things i want to do for him
- considerate of my feelings and others
- trustworthy
- humble
- not engulfed in the material things
- love me for who i am, not for what they want me to be
- discusses things with me
- talk with me about things for hours into the night

love is just a battle, isnt it?
it's ruthless.. no one wants to be alone in this world.
but we are all looking for something fabulous, what if this is as good as it gets?
what if im too blind to recognize it when he comes my way, and true happiness just passes me by?

but until then, i will breathe in and out and wait around til the day he walks into my life..

hello 2008!

new years are always viewed as fresh starts.. new beginnings, new endings, new everything..
what a relief to have to reason to start a new!

i have so many things i want to accomplish for myself, i need to get started, there are only 12 more months to go! :) somethings: learn and get an acoustic guitar, write my own song, yoga every week, running everyday, finish reading a book, learn how to cook more things, do something new, travel, save money!!!

i want for once to do what i want to do and not let anyone or anything get in my way!

so its been a while..

i was afraid to post for a while, putting my woes out there for everyone to read. but i think i can do it now..
july was just a month before i lost my lover and my friend. its a tragedy really, im still trying to get over it. 'it' isn't just the guy, it's the lost faith i had in him and other men. i lost faith in myself along with it. i was one of those people that had faith in myself and faith for others. this is truly effected me more ways than one. i wish i could get over it already.. it has been 4 months!

kenji says that i need to stop punishing myself, that i am more trouble to myself than i am to anyone else. he taught me that its not supposed to be easy, if it is, it's not worth having. maybe i refuse to be happy again, that i keep pulling myself back in that unhappy state becuz i feel a sense of failure to myself and what we had. even though i know there is no looking back, no fixing it or getting back together.

this is it.

i never thought we would be at this point in our relationship.

but i was wrong.

every fight that we have had these days have just escalated!

tonight we talked about it and we both pretty much came up with a 'break' as the solution to what's ailing our relationship. i never thought a 'break' would lead to another remotely productive for us. and i still don't..

it scares the hell out of me.. the thought of losing mark drives me nuts. he's my family, my friend, my everything. the thought of not talking to him or seeing him for a long period of time is just seems so unheard of..



he expressed to me that he feels enormous amounts of pressure from everyone including me. little does he know that i feel the pressure too and i'm just as unprepared as he is for all this marriage crap..

i look back and think about the stupid fights that we have been having and i feel like such an idiot for saying things to him that i don't mean. why are we so mean to each other these days if we love each other so much?

good/bad

taking the good with the bad..
kings dominion was super fun with dad and bryan. we spent all day there on saturday, pooped from the sun. saturday was another hot hot day, we met up with alysa for some lunch at o'charleys in midlothian. afterwards we went to the grocery store to get adobo ingredients and then to the laundromat to get some loads done. slurpee's and some laughs at the laundromat. we came home and i started making dinner for us.
i was making chicken adobo. i took off the cover of the pot to stir the adobo and i placed it on the top of the stove top next to the burner i was cooking on. i went to pick up the pot cover and place it back on the pot but it was stuck on the stove top because of the heat suctioned on to it. so i tucked here and there and realized how much it was stuck on there, so i tried an ice cube cool down and loosen up the cover.
bryan walks in from taking jake out for me, i showed him it won't budge and that to leave it there so it cools down on its own. he didn't listen to me and yanked and pulled on it until it came off, but so did the stove.. glass was everywhere even in my feet. of course i was furious with him, even though he was just trying to help me.
its going to be $175 and i need someone to install it.. genesis properties wants to charge me $43 something an hour for their services.. my dad wants to help me install it, but i don't know what the best thing to do is.. i just want to move out and move on already..

a break?

i never believed in taking 'a break' and i still don't believe i do..
we've been fighting a lot and getting on each others nerves pretty easily, but i still don't see how 'a break' will fix that.. we have been able to cope through everything before with no 'break,' i don't see how this time we need one. our 6 year anniversary is coming up and i wanted it to be special but now the idea of taking a break just hurts too much, i would feel as if we were faking to be nice just for one day.. i'm not sure what to do from this point.