him and i

im looking forward to the weather warming up, so jake and i can spend more time outdoors together.
i enjoy my time in richmond more with him outside.. its a great combo!
i have noticed that him and i have developed a new relationship, i dont know if it's because his time with me and no one else as increased or maybe the small amount of time i am here at the apt with him during the work weeks.. but i have noticed his neediness for me.

we had a slight tornado watch and the wind was super strong, the rain was coming in sideways on the window and jake whines, nuzzles up next to me, laying his neck across mine like a deer.. what a baby!

the adventures of heather and jake continue...

find and grab hold..

i need to find my confidence and never let go.. i have a hard time grasping that concept.. perhaps it was the humble nature of how i was raised. but damn it i need to get out of that and learn to evoke that confident nature that i know is hiding under that humbleness. it's not even an issue for my profession, it's an issue for me as an individual person. i let people intimidate me and let me down, without a word of resistance.. perhaps i prefer to be none confrontational.. i rationalize that behavior of brushing it under the rug because life is too short to start confrontation...

but who am i kidding... life is a huge confrontation!

what's in a blog?

not everyone is into the whole blog thing.. writing everyday thoughts and letting others spill on what you had to say.. it's beneficial i think for some. it depends on who reads it, i think we tend to judge each other too quickly based off of entries. i have for the most part pick and choose what i want out there.. and what i dont.

i look back on things i spilled on, and im not always confident on everyone in my life to read that..

especially what's happened to me and the past months in recovery... even as pathetic as i think or i know i might have seemed, i think that i needed to go through that and write that in order for me to recover.

the corners of my heart

i just watched 'because i said so' its a movie with mandy moore and diane keaton.
the movie was okay, diane keaton hates seeing her daughter go from one heartbreak to the next..
and finally she intervenes with her love life to help her find 'the one' and with all the right intentions, things turn out to be just the opposite of what she thought was best for her daughter.

i wish that were so for me, my parents thought and knew mark was not right for me, and they were right.. i suppose a huge part of me wanted to prove them all very wrong. i know its only been 5 months since i've been single.. but damn it.. where is he? i want to find him already!

maybe the timing is just all wrong.. and he will come when the time is right.
but here is a list of things i need from him:
- he needs to understand me, needs to get me
- sensitive to my needs
- laughs at himself
- not afraid to admit he's wrong
- won't let me get away with anything
- laughs at my jokes, even when they're lame
- be passionate about something, either what they do for a living or if it's just how they live
- be spontaneous sometimes
- loves all kinds of music, will listen to all of my music and tolerate it
- watch girlie movies with me without complaining too much
- appreciate me and things i want to do for him
- considerate of my feelings and others
- trustworthy
- humble
- not engulfed in the material things
- love me for who i am, not for what they want me to be
- discusses things with me
- talk with me about things for hours into the night

love is just a battle, isnt it?
it's ruthless.. no one wants to be alone in this world.
but we are all looking for something fabulous, what if this is as good as it gets?
what if im too blind to recognize it when he comes my way, and true happiness just passes me by?

but until then, i will breathe in and out and wait around til the day he walks into my life..

hello 2008!

new years are always viewed as fresh starts.. new beginnings, new endings, new everything..
what a relief to have to reason to start a new!

i have so many things i want to accomplish for myself, i need to get started, there are only 12 more months to go! :) somethings: learn and get an acoustic guitar, write my own song, yoga every week, running everyday, finish reading a book, learn how to cook more things, do something new, travel, save money!!!

i want for once to do what i want to do and not let anyone or anything get in my way!

so its been a while..

i was afraid to post for a while, putting my woes out there for everyone to read. but i think i can do it now..
july was just a month before i lost my lover and my friend. its a tragedy really, im still trying to get over it. 'it' isn't just the guy, it's the lost faith i had in him and other men. i lost faith in myself along with it. i was one of those people that had faith in myself and faith for others. this is truly effected me more ways than one. i wish i could get over it already.. it has been 4 months!

kenji says that i need to stop punishing myself, that i am more trouble to myself than i am to anyone else. he taught me that its not supposed to be easy, if it is, it's not worth having. maybe i refuse to be happy again, that i keep pulling myself back in that unhappy state becuz i feel a sense of failure to myself and what we had. even though i know there is no looking back, no fixing it or getting back together.

this is it.

i never thought we would be at this point in our relationship.

but i was wrong.

every fight that we have had these days have just escalated!

tonight we talked about it and we both pretty much came up with a 'break' as the solution to what's ailing our relationship. i never thought a 'break' would lead to another remotely productive for us. and i still don't..

it scares the hell out of me.. the thought of losing mark drives me nuts. he's my family, my friend, my everything. the thought of not talking to him or seeing him for a long period of time is just seems so unheard of..



he expressed to me that he feels enormous amounts of pressure from everyone including me. little does he know that i feel the pressure too and i'm just as unprepared as he is for all this marriage crap..

i look back and think about the stupid fights that we have been having and i feel like such an idiot for saying things to him that i don't mean. why are we so mean to each other these days if we love each other so much?