so its been a while..

i was afraid to post for a while, putting my woes out there for everyone to read. but i think i can do it now..
july was just a month before i lost my lover and my friend. its a tragedy really, im still trying to get over it. 'it' isn't just the guy, it's the lost faith i had in him and other men. i lost faith in myself along with it. i was one of those people that had faith in myself and faith for others. this is truly effected me more ways than one. i wish i could get over it already.. it has been 4 months!

kenji says that i need to stop punishing myself, that i am more trouble to myself than i am to anyone else. he taught me that its not supposed to be easy, if it is, it's not worth having. maybe i refuse to be happy again, that i keep pulling myself back in that unhappy state becuz i feel a sense of failure to myself and what we had. even though i know there is no looking back, no fixing it or getting back together.

this is it.

i never thought we would be at this point in our relationship.

but i was wrong.

every fight that we have had these days have just escalated!

tonight we talked about it and we both pretty much came up with a 'break' as the solution to what's ailing our relationship. i never thought a 'break' would lead to another remotely productive for us. and i still don't..

it scares the hell out of me.. the thought of losing mark drives me nuts. he's my family, my friend, my everything. the thought of not talking to him or seeing him for a long period of time is just seems so unheard of..



he expressed to me that he feels enormous amounts of pressure from everyone including me. little does he know that i feel the pressure too and i'm just as unprepared as he is for all this marriage crap..

i look back and think about the stupid fights that we have been having and i feel like such an idiot for saying things to him that i don't mean. why are we so mean to each other these days if we love each other so much?

good/bad

taking the good with the bad..
kings dominion was super fun with dad and bryan. we spent all day there on saturday, pooped from the sun. saturday was another hot hot day, we met up with alysa for some lunch at o'charleys in midlothian. afterwards we went to the grocery store to get adobo ingredients and then to the laundromat to get some loads done. slurpee's and some laughs at the laundromat. we came home and i started making dinner for us.
i was making chicken adobo. i took off the cover of the pot to stir the adobo and i placed it on the top of the stove top next to the burner i was cooking on. i went to pick up the pot cover and place it back on the pot but it was stuck on the stove top because of the heat suctioned on to it. so i tucked here and there and realized how much it was stuck on there, so i tried an ice cube cool down and loosen up the cover.
bryan walks in from taking jake out for me, i showed him it won't budge and that to leave it there so it cools down on its own. he didn't listen to me and yanked and pulled on it until it came off, but so did the stove.. glass was everywhere even in my feet. of course i was furious with him, even though he was just trying to help me.
its going to be $175 and i need someone to install it.. genesis properties wants to charge me $43 something an hour for their services.. my dad wants to help me install it, but i don't know what the best thing to do is.. i just want to move out and move on already..

a break?

i never believed in taking 'a break' and i still don't believe i do..
we've been fighting a lot and getting on each others nerves pretty easily, but i still don't see how 'a break' will fix that.. we have been able to cope through everything before with no 'break,' i don't see how this time we need one. our 6 year anniversary is coming up and i wanted it to be special but now the idea of taking a break just hurts too much, i would feel as if we were faking to be nice just for one day.. i'm not sure what to do from this point.

a great weekend

this weekend actually felt like a weekend!
mark and i went canoeing at lake ridge with diseree, glenn, leo, and lilly.
it was only $10 for 2 hours, i don't know why we don't do this more often, its so wonderful to be out on the water and doing something in nature rather than going to watch a movie, spending $7 and up on popcorn & drinks etc.

a story anna told me:
cop pulls over leo and anna in anna's car. they both just came back from dc and leo was driving anna home. leo was going 45 mph in a 35 mph zone.

cop: have you been drinking?
leo: not me.
cop: so who's been drinking?
leo: both of us
oops.

summer summer time..

i'm looking forward to my summer to finally begin, i still don't feel like its quite here because i have been working so much i forget how carefree my summers used to be before i worked full-time.

unfortunately i won't be able to make it to san diego to see davers and rhealyn and their baby, trey. he's so adorable! maybe it is better off that mark and i wait a little longer to visit so they can adjust to being mommy and daddy for a while. plus mark rather have a real san diego vacation, not one where he has to hang out at home with trey. i think sometimes he thinks of only himself, i mean i see where he's coming from but he has to understand their lives will never be the same again.

i'm thankful that i will be able to worry less about money, now that i have a stable job. i'm not looking forward to my mom forwarding all my bills to me, i know how much she's been helping me and i can't imagine how much i have been costing her over the years. responsibility sucks!

father's day

this father's day i went to roanoke to see my pops!
it was so nice to hang with my pop, i rarely go out there to visit, especially because i don't necessarily see eye to eye with my uncle (that lives with him). now i regret not visiting more often, now that cassie is gone..

dad and i saw "knocked up" in the movie theater and it was pretty perfect for father's day. we started to reminisce how it was when we were a big happy family and how many wonderful days we had shared together.

i eventually want to start my own family but then again there is that fear that the marriage wont work out. i am a 'boar' on the chinese horoscopes and it says i'm prone to martial strife like my uncle that married 4 times before he found the one. that is one of my biggest fears is to fail my marriage.. i cant be too careful though because i cant prevent what god has in store for me.